"It's not just the actual time and effort involved in
caring for this tiny creature that makes it so tough to find time for
yourself," says psychologist and mom Pamela Freundl Kirst. "There's
also an instinctually based psychological drive called primary maternal
occupation that focuses your life on the relationship with your infant. Appreciating this
can help you find ways to nurture and care for yourself directly."
Making the Transition
One minute, you’re child-free, and the next your life is 12
diapers a day, cuddles, cries, coos, and a fuzzy memory of what life was like
BB -- Before Baby. It might be a shock to the system, but having a few basic
guidelines can help ease your mind.
1. Establish a
Parental Plan
Gold recommends parents discuss how they will address a wide
range of issues. How are you going to handle visiting in-laws? Who's going to
get up in the middle of the night? And how does each of you feel about letting
a baby cry?
"Once you get on the same page physically, emotionally,
and philosophically," Gold says, "things will be smoother." But,
she says, "you must do it before chronic sleep
deprivation and physical and emotional exhaustion set in."
2. Postpone
Energy-Draining Projects
"I would warn that extreme demands like marathon
training should be put on hold by both parents until after the baby's first
year," one mom, who requested anonymity, says.
"The combination of new baby and his training schedule
did not mix well. I did a lot of single parenting, felt lost as a new mom, and
had no time for taking care of my own exercise
needs post-pregnancy. It takes time to adjust. And if that adjustment is not a
team effort, it can cause tension that will impact the whole family for years
to come."
3. Plan for Baby's
Arrival -- Now
Before the baby is born, create a schedule of day care
drop-offs and pick-ups, planned down time, and date nights. "It sets the
pattern for the next 18 years of schedule juggling," one mom says.
Making the Transition continued...
4. Stay Flexible
The first year of a new baby's life requires a huge level of
adaptation on the part of parents, Kirst says. "Let your baby teach you
about structure, flexibility, and creative problem-solving," she says.
"Babies are life-altering in the challenges they present. Learning to
respond and adapt to the issues babies bring to your life can be
life-enhancing. You learn to think on your feet."
5. Keep a Log
Gold suggests writing down baby's feeding, sleeping, and
crying habits. It will help you identify patterns and give you a record you can
use for instructing caregivers.
6. Rethink Priorities
Jennifer Shu, pediatrician and co-author of Heading Home With Your Newborn, says to
"only put on your (regular) to-do list tasks that absolutely have to get
done." How do you know what kind of task to put on that list? Shu says,
"If it doesn't get done, your family's health, safety, and well-being
would be at risk. Outsource things that you dread doing -- yard work, grocery
shopping, laundry -- or that can be done just as well by someone else."Singer seconds that notion, saying, "They'll
appreciate helping and you'll appreciate the break."
7. Farm Out Meals
Sign up for a meal delivery service for the first year or
even the first month if financially feasible. Prepared meals are nutritionally
balanced, healthy, and tasty, and they provide variety. They also eliminate the
need for grocery shopping, menu planning, and cooking. Likewise, stock up on
takeout menus.
8. Try a Little TLC
"Get hugs from your partner when you can," Karen
Deerester, owner of Family Time Coaching & Consulting, says. "Fall
into grown-up arms when you're exhausted and overwhelmed. You're entitled to a
whole year to rebalance your family around the baby."
9. Leverage the
Internet
Online forums provide a sanity check for new parents, but
beware of information overload. Parents need to keep in mind that not
everything they read is reliable or a good fit for their family.
10. Stay Connected to
Your Partner
Shoshana Bennett is a clinical psychologist and author of Postpartum Depression for Dummies. She
says dates every other week "like clockwork" can keep a relationship
ticking. Mom can slip out of sweats and into silk to aid in the transition.
"One ground rule," she says, is "you are only allowed to talk
about the baby for the first 10 minutes."
11. Beware the Risks
of Comparing
Resist the urge to "compare and despair" when it
comes to your baby and anyone else's.
12. Find the Humor
Making sure to laugh is mom Karen Deerester's strategy.
"Laugh a lot," she says. "Imagine you are in a sitcom."
Managing Sleep Deprivation
It's not that you want to stay awake. It's just that in a
large part of that first year, sleep is a rare commodity.
Managing Sleep Deprivation continued...
13. Sleep
When Baby Sleeps
Sleeping when the baby sleeps is time-tested advice, and it
works. Bennett says, "Sleep is a medical necessity even for new
moms." Sleep is also an important way to guard against postpartum
depression.
"When one parent is up, the other one should be
sleeping," Bennett says. The one on duty can sleep with the baby; the
other one in a separate part of the home with a white noise machine and
earplugs. Even nursing mothers can protect their brain chemistry from crashing
as long as they get a few uninterrupted hours of sleep each night."
14. Don't Be a Super Hero
"It's tempting to try to take on the Super Mom role,
insisting on doing everything for the baby from diapering to handling
pediatrician's appointments," Singer says. "But you wind up
exhausted, which won't help the baby -- or you."
Neal Patrick, father of two and a vice president of
marketing, says he and his wife survived the first year with the use of a
"night nurse" a few times a week. "Our first baby did not sleep
well through the night, causing us to be completely sleep deprived. When the
second child was almost due, we were able to find a pair of RNs who needed some
extra money." The nurses each took one night a week where they stayed
overnight with the Patricks. "They 'owned' the monitor and we were able to
sleep with it turned off in our room. This one thing allowed us to feel
refreshed in the morning -- at least for two days -- and able to keep up with
two little ones!"
15. Let It Go --
Without Guilt
Babies don't notice dirty dishes in the sink or laundry piled
high. Let things slide in exchange for taking a break or catching some ZZZs.
"Teach the baby to draw in the dust on the shelves," Paula
Polman, a mom and business owner in Edmonton, Canada, says.
16. Try a 'Baby
Burrito'
A baby burrito is a special way to wrap a baby in a blanket
so he or she feels more secure and may sleep better. You can find instructions
for how to do it online.
17. Address Baby's
Sleep Issues Sooner Rather Than Later
Singer says to work with your pediatrician to get baby to
sleep through the night. "Get a good book on sleep techniques and get
started on getting your nights back."
18. Rotate Night Duty
"I waited until I was 38 to get married and then had two
boys back to back," Lisa McDonald, director of marketing for George
Washington University Hospital, says. "I work full time and my husband is
home with the boys and also a consultant. The first time around, we took shifts
throughout the night, one of us getting up for the 2 a.m. feeding and the other
for the 4:30 a.m. feeding. We were both sleep deprived and cranky all the
time."
The second time around, she says, they got smarter. "We
rotated the nights of the week. One took Monday night and the other took
Tuesday night. In this way, one of us always got a good night's sleep. Then, if
the opportunity presented itself to take the boys out of the house the next
day, the parent who did the 'night shift' might even work in a nap."
Working In a Workout
Everyone knows exercise is good for stress. But just exactly
how do you manage to get a good workout, when you've got so much to do taking
care of a baby?
19. Rethink Your
Routine
Fitness expert Kathy Smith, creator of the exercise DVD Tummy Trimmers, is the mother of two
daughters. "The first year is very disruptive to your schedule,"
Smith says. "It's physically and emotionally demanding. It's really a time
to nurture the baby and yourself, not to add the extra burden of getting back
into shape."
Smith says new moms can "think outside the box."
You can do pelvic or isometric exercises while you cook or abdominal
contractions while you nurse. "A pre-dinner walk with spouse and
baby," she says, "sets the tone as a family for a lifetime of
exercise."
20. Exercise With Baby
It seems counterintuitive, but when you're dead tired,
exercise can boost your energy. Try Mommy and Me swim or yoga
classes. Get outside into the sunshine -- a guaranteed mood enhancer. Take your
baby for a walk or a run in the jog stroller or on a hike with a front pack.
Just always protect your baby from the sun’s harmful rays.
21. Work Out In Short
Bursts
Daniel Iverson, a dad and personal trainer, says you can
stretch or do squats when you are diapering your baby -- up to 10 times daily
-- for a fitness boost. "When the child is old enough to see you, you can
do squats with an overhead 'baby' press. As the baby gets heavier, your muscles
adapt to lifting the progressively heavier child. It's like dumbbells that
grow."
22. Spread Your
Workouts Throughout the Day
Smith points out, "Exercise is cumulative. So 10 minutes
in the morning, 10 minutes in the afternoon, and 10 minutes at night add up and
boost metabolism."
She recommends strapping baby into a front pack and jumping on the stationary
bike or treadmill. "The motion often puts baby to sleep -- an added
bonus."
23. Exercise in the
Evening
Jennifer Walker, RN, co-author of The Moms on Call Guide to Basic Baby Care, likes evening exercise.
"Babies have a certain amount of energy that they have to expend before
settling down for that long stretch of nighttime sleep. In the inevitable
evening fussy time, take them on a stroll or exercise with them."
24. Find a Gym With
Child Care
Many places accept babies as young as 12 weeks; the sooner
you go, the more comfortable you and baby will be in that environment.
25. Maintain
Perspective
Remember, this phase will pass -- all too quickly as most
parents attest. Donald Martelli, a father and vice president of a public
relations firm, says, "Have patience; the joys of having children far
outweigh the stresses."
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Kids don't come with an instruction manual, and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. You can read as many books as possible, talk to all the moms on the playground and pay for weekly therapy sessions, and you still might feel like you don't know what you are doing.
However, with the all DOs out there, ever wish you had a breakdown of the DON'Ts? Even if you think you're trying your best, it might not be enough. Take a look at this list of six sure-fire ways to create a ruined child.